gah

I was looking through some shit and apparently 07/2009 is when I was officially in remission last time and that’s the exact same time I was officially in remission this time…  It’s kinda fucking with me…  Nothing hella specific but just knowing that seems kind of oppressive…  I know it’s just a coincidence but knowing that in my head doesn’t apparently mean much.  It’s like I’ve been in this exact position before and I’m really fucking hoping it’s not a rinse repeat situation… I was already kinda tentative and kinda not willing to 100% commit mentally that I’m done with Hodgkin’s…

hmm… wow… I just typed cancer there and it felt weird, like slightly scary, so I deleted it and put Hodgkin’s in which didn’t have that connotation to me for some reason… I think that’s the first time that’s happened like that the whole time through all this…  Even earlier today there was a poster at my brothers work for some ‘marathon for Lymphoma’ and I was like, “That’s wierd ’cause Lymphoma’s not one thing and something that treats Hodgkin’s wouldn’t treat another lymphoma… hmmm… but I guess they have walking shit for just ‘cancer’ so I guess it makes sense then.”  said it nonchelantly and thought nothing of it but typing the word cancer was weird just now…  That was before I knew the date thing though.  I don’t get it. Typing cancer in that sentence did nothing.  Maybe because it didn’t pertain to me?I don’t know… Since that last instance did nothing I went back and read that sentence replacing hodgkin’s with cancer and felt the same way… and typing it right there I felt the same way… This is fucking weird and makes no sense…. Fucking a…

Anyway, I guess back to the regularly scheduled program… Like I said, I was already kinda tentative and kinda not willing to 100% commit mentally that I’m done with Hodgkin’s… Basically, it came back once after all when I had no sign of it, what’s stopping it from repeating that? Well, the human mind is bad about seeing patterns and drawing conclusions on past experience and correlation regardless of how likely it is (statistics) or what the actual cause of something is.  Now I’ve got this nice pattern that is represented from last year to go along with that busted aspect of human perception.  Logically, none of the above makes any sense.  Of course because I got it last year doesn’t mean I’ll get it this year.  It’s something to be on the look out for and something that is of course possible but because it happened previously on the same timeline doesn’t mean the second half of the story will repeat.  Logically knowing that’s the case doesn’t really quell the feeling though…

3 Responses to “gah”

  1. Intuit says:

    Here’s what’s different about now versus then. Back then, I only briefly got a sense of finality from you, but never about the illness, only about the dreaded treatments. You seemed to communicate that there were some things health wise that still weren’t quite right. I remember hoping that you were wrong, about yourself, but also remember thinking/knowing that there’s no one who can know yourself better than you. Now the sense of finality that I’m getting from you, is about the illness, and not about the treatments. The New Year officially begins in August now. Not January. So Happy New Year! 🙂 The best to you in all feeling and sincerity…

  2. Frances says:

    I like Intuit’s point. So Happy New Year from me too!

  3. bLOB says:

    heh, kind of an odd idea but not a bad one. Thanks guys.

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