I meant to pour myself some of my W L Weller 12 year that I bought here that’s real good… But I poured myself some W L Weller 7 year that I haven’t had in a while… I originally wasn’t really drinking it because I bought it with Adam at the liquor store by his house that he went to all the time and he and I went to all the time when I was down there visiting, I bought it when I spent the month plus when I was moving out to Seattle and so wasn’t really drinking it and hadn’t drank it at all since he died… I wasn’t sure when or if I was going to drink it, hadn’t decided what I wanted to do with it. feeling kinda bitter sweet, that I made that error. I was already kinda feeling weird, I guess kind of nostalgic for the fun we used to have, earlier in the evening I was thinking about playing video games/pc games and I kinda realized that I haven’t played anything since he died. I keep saying I should, both to myself and to a few friends I should game with but I’ve never actually done it or actually tried to coordinate anything to make it happen and I think part of it is Adam was BY FAR the person I played video games with the most. I occasionally played them alone but the majority of the time it was he and I playing co-op together with voice chat hanging out and bullshitting in addition to playing the game (I just smiled and got slightly teary thinking about it). Me not playing anything since somehow kinda feels like a “get back on the horse” scenario, where I kinda want to but don’t want to or am scared to a little… Seems kinda weird and not sure if that makes sense but there it is. As I was typing this, I realized I don’t really have any regrets when it came to Adam. I was who I wanted to be to him/with him, there’s nothing I wished I’d have done or wished I’ve have said or anything… The last piece of that happened only a hand full of months before he died, he was drunk and we were texting some and he texted something along the lines of, “I love you man, you’re my brother.” and I texted something similar back with an addendum that I wasn’t just saying that because he did, that I truly meant it and that I’d actually been thinking that should be said for a while now just hadn’t known how or whatever. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before but that sticks out to me as something that would have been painful to not have done before he was gone. I know he knew how i felt and he knew I knew how he felt, but there is power in saying it… Fuck, I can’t imagine how hard this would be if I did have a bunch of major regrets. There’s things that I’m like, “man, it’d have been cool if xyz” like I wished I could have shown him Seattle and my house and he and Erin spent more time together but honestly, all that wasn’t fulfilled is secondary stuff. It’s a would have been nice, it’s far from major. Even the bit about Erin and him spending more time together, the biggest thing was that they met and got a decent feel for each other, which meant a lot to me. He liked her a lot and was always encouraging when it came to my relationship with Erin, I honestly don’t know how he did it. I’d always talk about potential pitfalls, so I was never like love sick with full blinders or whatever, so I think that helped but he was never down on it ever… He was really supportive and even before he met her, he said he felt like he knew her from me talking about her so much and describing her or what she’s like in xyz situation or whatever, there was one time where we were thinking of playing something or doing something online or something and Erin was down (probably because of her job sucking or boss being a dick or something) but still wanted me to spend the time with Adam since it was semi-planned and I was like, “Kinda feel bad about not playing but Erin’s feeling shitty so kinda wanna spent time with her” and he said “Go take care of that woman! She’s a good one!” or something real close to that. I actually think of that exchange semi-often when I’m thinking about Adam and thinking about Erin.
I don’t know, I guess that’s it, kinda rambly and kind short (for me), just felt like I needed to get that out or something.
Also, W L Weller 7 year is shockingly good, especially for fucking $16.99 like it was in that shop by Adam’s house! Have never seen that low ever again. The 12 year is amazing and less than $30 (here in Seattle at least).