been to long, which is the name of like half the post on this blog

I’m kind of in a melancholy state of bitter sweet happiness right now, kinda like fuck my life but smiling, like the circumstances that are making you say that are slightly amusing…. Right now I feel like I’ve never wanted something more than I’ve wanted to talk to Adam right now, for kinda retarded reasons, I want to talk to him about how Icehose is ok but not that good out here and how it must be a different brewery or something that supplies icehouse out here and that I found Steele reserve and that’s as good as midwest Icehose and shit. I say this because I been drinking Steel Reserve this evening and been thinking of him while I have been. I noticed the last post I was talking about bourbon… Not sure that’s healthy to deal with this shit only when I’m a certain amount of drunkish, but fucking watever.

Honestly I’ve been kinda struggling, some days it’s not really on my mind, others it’s all I can think about but it’s always present. I miss the shit out of Adam… we used to talk daily, and when I say daily I don’t mean like say hey how’s the weather or whatever daily, we used to talk about anything and everything daily. Nothing was over the line… well I think we had the same line, like the shit that was over the line to me, was also over the line to him, and so EVERYTHING ELSE was game and was talked about. He might have called me a retard of the like for it, but then again, I’d likely have called him a retard for it too.. 🙂 I’m currently smiling and fighting back tears…. I miss the fuck out of him…. tears are running now…. he was the only person in the whole world that I trusted implicitly, there was some movie where the dudes wife was in jail and he had a small window to brake her out and that made me think, who would I break out of jail? and I realized Adam was the only person I’d without question be down to break out of jail, that I would be 100% sure nothing I found morally wrong happened. I don’t deal in black and white in the sense of putting my faith behind things like, did we land on the moon? I don’t, probably? but who gives a fuck? Is it possible someone I know was dealing with some fucked up shit and molested someone’s kid? it’s possible. I realized the only person, out of all the people living or dead that I could be sure wasn’t lying to me and even if they didn’t say it I could know didn’t do anything against my morals is Adam. I realized that he was the only one that I’d have broken out of jail no questions ask. Even my Mom or my brother or whatever was more suspect than my Adam to me… I’m not sure if this is landing as powerfully as it did for me… it hit me that as much as I love and trust my mom, the woman that raised me and the person in my family I have the most fondness for, I trusted Adam just that much more… Adam and I were cut from the same cloth… I’m not trusting of people or things in general, I’m sorta paranoid and sorta live by the motto of “expect the worst and hope for the best” more than anyone I know and yet I realized that yet, if I had to add someone to my bank account, Adam is the only one I’d have added without having to worry about. Erin? My folks? my brother? I could add them but it woudln’t be worry free… not really but kinda… there’d always be that doubt in the back of my head saying, “are you sure?” but I realized that with Adam, the back of my head wouldn’t have had anything to say. Like I said, I don’t know if it’s landing as powerfully as it did for me but that is major. That means a ton and a half. I trust no one to the degree I trusted Adam, and now Adam doesn’t exist, so I trust no one to that level…

Adam’s dad sent me some hard drives and his laptop to go through to see if there’s anything to be found… I haven’t been able to go through it, partially because my house exploded (fucking pip burst in my attic and what little capacity I had left is now pegged/red lined) and partially because I don’t want to pick at the fought for scabs I have on the wounds left by Adam’s absence… I don’t work in 100% affirmative, that’s not how I think or see the world. Is it possible we live in the matrix? It’s possible but hella not likely, but would I rule it out 100%? no. I believe with all my heart and all my being he didn’t mean for what happened to happen. Not only that but I feel like there’s no way he could have meant for it to happen but there’s a “we live in the matrix” chance that he left a note… that there’s a diary that says some shit… and I don’t wanna find it… but I wanna find it, if it exists… even though with as much certainty as I’m able to say about anything I perceive to be reality that there is nothing to find.

Erin wants the house to be kinda tidy and I am not tidy by default, I’m not dirty (like don’t leave dishes or dirty clothes around) but am not tidy (stuff is not “put away”) and it’s kind of a stumbling point between us and by kind of, I mean, a decent sized hurtle some times and not really much of a hurdle at all other times. I’m basically at capacity for shit I can deal with, so I can’t do some of the shit that she wants me to or that even I feel like I want or even need to. We’ve been fighting some off and on, way more than we used to before Adam died, I said recently that it used to feel like it was a definite that we’d work shit out, whatever happened and now it doesn’t feel like a definite, to be sure, that feeling sucks but we are both still working our damndest to make this work and we are FAR from broken, which both of us are very thankful for. We both feel like we’re very lucky to have and to have found the other one, and as long as we can continue to feel that way, I think we’ll be good. Erin got a name for a good grief counseler, she thinks it’s a good idea, and I don’t think it’s a bad idea and will likely give it a shot but I don’t know… I’ll have to see before I judge it…

I just said this to a buddy of mine on IM: “I now know how Adam felt going through what he did while I was going through cancer. I don’t want to be a burden on you, and don’t want to bring you down from whatever you’re feeling with my shit.” he’s going through some shit himself and is I think currently elated with talking about it with some people (how they handled what he’s going through) and I don’t want to detract from that… but I need to share this with someone, so I’m sharing it here… those few of you subscribed to my blog you can’t know how much that means to me… Sorta feels like I need to get this out but without an audience it wouldn’t be typed, if this was just for me to be filed in a fold on my HD, it wouldn’t have been typed, and for the simple act of subscribing to my blog I thank you… it’s worth more than you know… At this point it’s fucking two of you, it’s still going to Adam’s e-mail but we all know what good that will do *tears*…. Anyway, those few of you that are subscribed make it feel worth while, makes it feel like I’m not talking to myself and it’s helping me get this poison out and get one step closer to where I’d like to be.

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