Well, Christmas is over and it hit me how close January is. I think I was ignoring it, in my mind it was still a ways off but somehow now that Christmas happened it hit me and is kinda fucking with me a little. The reason it has impact is that the last two Januarys I’ve been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s. Think I’ve said that in a post somewhere, that I realized the timelines match up basically exactly, diagnosis in January and remission in July. That it matches up so perfectly is so fucked up. Dates are usually meaningless to me, they hold no significance. I don’t know when any holiday is or when the birthday of anyone I know is including family, so the fact this is sticking out like a sore thumb to me really says something. I’m somehow glad my next scan is in January. I guess I want to line up the scans with previous confirmations. I think it’d fuck with me much more if the scan wasn’t in January actually. I don’t currently feel bad but like I said before, I still mentally not trusting that I’m in remission. I don’t say, “I feel pretty good.” I say, “I don’t feel bad” and then my mind kinda adds a “yet” at the end, like it’s still coming or something. It’s not totally in the front of my contentiousness, like when I said that in conversation a few weeks ago I was kinda surprised, like, “Wow, that’s fucked up. Where’d that come from? Apparently I still think that.”
Speaking of my scan, I haven’t scheduled that yet. I was thinking I hadn’t because I didn’t know if SF was happening, but now I’m thinking I haven’t because I’m kind of ostriching, figuratively kinda putting my head in the sand (which they don’t actually do but whatever), like if I don’t get a scan, then I can’t have cancer again. If I just do nothing, no time will pass and it will not be possible for me to get hodgkin’s again. As if that’s how it works.
Gonna call on Monday and get everything squared away with the scan and doctor visit after it. Need to see if I can get some other shit squared away before I head out too. My lowest joint (bottom joint? wtf is that called) in my thumbs both kinda hurt now, don’t know what the deal is, but wanna go see if there’s something we can do before I wait to long and basically insure there is nothing that can be done. Also, guess I should know if I have any swimmers or not and know if I should keep the annual storage fee for the sperm bank or not.
Feel a little better now that I’ve typed that.
Glad you’re doing well. Personally, I never seem to regret taking risks. There will be unsure/tough moments when traveling, but actual regrets are unlikely. When you get January’s scans out of the way and decidedly set off in whatever direction, in the end, you’ll be glad you did; regardless of the challenges (steady employment, maintaining transportation, meeting expenses, making new acquaintances, etc,) you may face. Lucky or “unlucky,” you’ve overcome pressures that most people would crumple under.