I tried calling Marcia, Dr. Kaminer’s nurse but she didn’t pick up the page. I then left a page with my name and number for Dr. Kaminer… I’m basically vibrating with anxiousness and nervousness… I’ve never wanted to know something more in my life… and yet at the same time, don’t want to know… It’s an odd mix of emotions, feel like laying on my bed and listening to soft music but also kinda feel like breaking shit… Even if I get the answer I want, I’m too pragmatic to think it’s definitely gone for good. It came back once in short order… It could happen again… I’m not sure how long I’ll be waiting for the other shoe to drop but it may be a while before I accept that I can move on from this and expect to be fine… Hodgkin’s has been fucking with me since 2007, maybe even 06. I long to be done with dealing with this. I have been unable to live my normal day to day life for years, let alone build dreams, achieve goals, move on or ‘grow up.’ All of that has been on pause, waiting for me to get back to it… Waiting for me to not be mired in feeling terrible, from hodgkin’s directly or from treatment… I’m tentative and scared about trying to pick up the torch for those things again, I’ve already had one false start and I have less resolve this time around but I think time will help that… I’m too close to what’s happened recently to see past it easily but I’m trying to fight that… Trying to focus on my future and what I want it to be and what I need to do to get there but it makes it hard not knowing if I I can actually move on…
Dr. Kaminer just called me and I ask if she checked the results and she hadn’t and said she’d call me later today…