How I’ve been feeling the last few days and how I been mentally in general

Just typed this to a friend of mine in an e-mail and it has how I’m feeling and more about what’s been going on, I was thinking to post here about basically the same thing anyway, so figured I’d modify it a little and post it here too.

Little background I guess, in the previous e-mail I said it was almost a relief when it got worse and I started having night sweats, since now we can try and track down what’s going on instead of just waiting indefinitely. Explained a little more what I meant by that and talked about how I’ve been the last few days.

Ya, I wish I felt good/normal as well. I don’t really actually want to feel worse, but feeling worse means Dr. Dragon has something to go on and there might be a plan of action, vs. just waiting and seeing what happens. The roller coaster of feeling decent then bad all the time seemingly for no apparent reason and for a few months it gets frustrating. Feeling pretty good, thinking about the future, wanting to make plans and figure out what my next steps are and whatnot, only to feel bad again few days later or the week after or whatever, feeling like I did when I had hodgkin’s feels like dashing plans for the future, not wanting to try and move on because if I move out, get a ‘good’ job or ramp up work at my current job only to have hodgkin’s again and not be able to work much and not have money for the apartment or maybe get fired for not being there enough or whatever. Just taxing feeling like my hopes get dashed every other week or whatever. At least now we can try and figure out what the deal is and address it… though if it is hodgkin’s, definitely not looking foward to chemo agian, especially since it’d probably be a different group of drugs and probably more powerful and there for making me feel worse and more potential side effects down the road (like the one they thought I might have to go with originally that had a higher likelyhood of infertility and higher likelyhood of getting leukemia in 10 years).

Last few days have been feeling pretty decently, was tempted once again into thinking maybe I was actually fine, but then this morning woke up to the collar of my shirt being damp, which is night sweats, so ya, not usually a good sign but the first time I’ve had night sweats on a day where I felt decent (or not that bad) on both sides of that night (day before and after). So ya, not sure what the deal is. Even just today at lunch I was tempted to think that maybe I’m fine, that I won’t feel bad again and I’m fully good to go and whatnot and to start thinking about the future or whatever. Even though I woke up with a damp shirt collar. Caught myself though and will at least wait until the PET scan results to start thinking that way again…

Have a PET scan on Monday. Should get the results by phone Tuesday or Wednesday. Dr. Dragon may be out of town that week but may not (he wasn’t sure himself if he was or wasn’t), have to call to get an appointment and see if he’s in that week or not, well, probably just stop by, the PET scan is in the basement below the Kellog Center (which is the cancer area of the hospital or whatever).

One Response to “How I’ve been feeling the last few days and how I been mentally in general”

  1. Intuit says:

    Since your immune system is still weakened from prior treatments, I think it’s at least possible that this may be associated with an ongoing attempt at fighting off a virus; like the flu bug (which has been going around) or something similar.

    Are you feeling queezy running a fever, feeling weak or anything ? No clue what the symptoms for cancer are like but can they be similar ?

    Last couple of months had been around a lot of ill people and had [i]started[/i] to feel the effects myself. Put on a big coat (in the house,) drank (and subsequently pissed) like a sailor, and most importantly did a little excercise. As a result, all I got was a touch of it. Never got a chance to take hold.

    Keeping hopes up…

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