I went to a concert earlier tonight. Mansions opened up, then Pianos Become The Teeth, then La Dispute. I got into La Dispute recently somewhat recently, there’s a post recently with a bunch of links to there music and talking about them, but I heard a song today in a new way. The song is all our bruised bodies and the whole heart shrinks. The song starts with:so now, tell me how your story goes
have you ever suffered?
if so, did you get better
or have you, never quite recovered?
did you find your love laying in you bedroom with another
and then, did you let it hover over you and everything else well after the fact?
I somehow heard it in a different way tonight. That just hit me like, I want to be better having known Adam, not broken by his death. I want to be better having known Adam, not scarred or tainted or broken by his death. I deserve better than that, Erin deserves me to be better than that and Adam would want that. I can’t let this define me, change me for the worse. The bolded above is what first struck the chord in me, but I found it ironic but fitting that the next lyric was about a cheating lover, the other thing I’m fucked up about/by, with the hella fucked up situation with Adam and his Ex-wife… (I typed the rest of the lyrics to the song out below, finding lyrics online are often wrong or formatted wrong and linked to a youtube video of the song if you wanna listen to it)
Erin and I are in couples therapy, basically super early and preventative. Erin and I moved in together basically a year ago. We were working on moving in, working on figure out how to live together and whatnot. When Adam died, that mostly stopped. I was (and to a large degree still am) at capacity with just every day life, just living and am not able to do the other things that should get done like unpacking, figuring out where stuff goes and finishing rooms, keeping the house kinda tidy. For Erin this is a big deal, she lived in a cluttered house as a child and has trouble focusing and is never fully at ease in a cluttered environment. She also doesn’t feel fully at home in the house because she’s not unpacked and can’t find stuff she wants to use. Basically, I’m having to resist resenting her for not being able to give me time and she’s having to resist resenting me for not getting the stuff done. So we’re going to couples therapy to try and work on how we deal with each other and those times when we are in conflict. Had second session today. The first session I talked about Adam and the situation there, how he died, who he was to me, etc and it sort of made it more fresh than it had been in a while. I was decidedly not as far along with it than I thought. I was not as healed as I thought or had hoped. Honestly, this kinda scared me. I’m going to try and find a therapist I like to do therapy for me and see how/where that goes… If I can get help with this, great. If it doesn’t work out, so be it but there won’t be a “what if” type feeling in the future. Also, sorta feels like like a decent part of my side of the problems with “us” are relate to or are made worse because of Adam’s death/being dead. So feels like if I’m doing one, have to try and work on the other too to a certain degree.
It’s 2am and I need to work in the morning, so I should get to bed, will need to make another post with general updates later.
La Dispute – all our bruised bodies and the whole heart shrinks
so now, tell me how your story goes
have you ever suffered?
if so, did you get better
or have you, never quite recovered?
did you find your love laying in you bedroom with another
and then, did you let it hover over you and everything else well after the fact?
show me all your bruises
I know everyone wears them
they broadcast the pain
how you hurt, how you reacted
did cancer take your child
did your father have a heart attack
have you had a moment force the whole heart to grow or retract
or just shrink, does the heart shrink?
tell me everything, tell me everything, you know
were you told as a child, how cruel the whole world can be
did anyone ever tell you that
tell me what your purpose is
who it was that put you here and why?
did anyone really put you here at all?
and what of those necessities, like how to cope with tragedy and pain?
did anyone ever show you how?
when it hits will my heart burst or break or grow strong?
is there really only one way to know now?
I’m not sure if I’m ready yet, to find out the hard way
how strong I am
what I’m made of
I’m not sure I am ready yet, to walk through the fire
I’m not sure I can handle it
do you think if the heart keeps on shrinking
one day there will be no heart at all?
and how long does it take?
am I better off just bursting or breaking?
’cause I don’t see my heart getting strong.
tell your stories to me
show your bruises
let’s see what humanity is capable of handling
she lost her kid
only seven, to cancer
she answered with faith in her god
and carried on
while he was attacked by his son and was stabbed in his stomach and his back, and his arms
he showed me scars
82 years old, told me
I still have my daughter and my wife
and I still have my life, and my son
tell me what your worst fears are, I bet they look a lot like mine
tell me what you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night
tell me that you’re struggling
tell me that you’re scared, no tell me that you’re terrified of life
tell me that it’s difficult to not think of death sometimes
tell me how you lost
tell me how he left
tell me how she left
tell me how you lost everything, that you had
tell me that it ain’t ever coming back
tell me about god
tell me about love
tell me that it’s all of the above
tell me that you think of everything in fear, I bet you’re not the only one who does
everyone in the world, comes at some point to suffering
I wonder when I will
I wonder
everyone is out searching for someone or something
I wonder what I’ll find
I wonder
everyone in the world, comes at some point to suffering
I wonder when I will
I wonder
everyoneis out searching for someone or something
I wonder what I’ll find
I wonder
I wonder what I’ll find
I wonder
I wonder what I’ll find
I wonder what I’ll find
I wonder what I’ll find