Weekend before last sucked, as did most of last week. Thursday it broke and I felt normal, Friday was the same. Saturday was close to the same, Sunday kinda felt like going down hill again, and here we are Monday, and it sucks again.
It’s like just a layer of shitty is on top of everything. Nebulous, Semi-oppressive, almost ever present feeling of… I don’t know, a strange mix of sadness, tinged with anger? It’s not specific, like it doesn’t have a trigger and it doesn’t make me think of specific things, it’s just there unless I’m specifically engaged in doing something, and then it’s less so but not gone and waiting in the wings for a lull in what I’m doing.
Adam being gone still hasn’t sunk in yet… last week some time I was walking by the room we’re using as an office and it was extra messy and I thought to myself, “Well, we had a bunch of people come stay with us this summer but won’t be having anyone for a while, not until Adam comes in the fall…. wait, fuck…” smiled while shaking my head and said heh… not because it was funny but because there was nothing else to do.
Something I was thinking about recently (today or yesterday, can’t remember) is that some dreams we both had (shit like making computer games, making a movie, being in a band), while not likely, seemed possible when he was here, like I said, while not likely, they seemed like something fun to reach for, like something that could happen. We almost made a game and anyone who heard him play knew he was insanely talented with guitar. In addition to that just other random projects/potential businesses, we’d done a hand full of things together or I’d be doing something and he’d help me out in aspects that he could get done way faster than me (like coding). Now it kinda feels like, well, now this is it. Not saying I don’t like where I’m at or what I’m doing (in general, in life, etc) but there was always a glimmer of what could be, that now seems to be gone.
Something else I’ve been feeling is for some reason I kinda don’t wanna go home after work. It’s not the stereotype of guy doesn’t want to go home to his girlfriend/wife or whatever, I’d be fine with her coming with if I went somewhere. I just for some reason don’t feel like being at home, once I’m there it’s ok most of the time. Not sure where that’s coming from and can’t really place why that is, kinda just wanna go sit in a bar and bullshit with a friend and just hang out but I don’t really have anyone local to do that with. Well, one guy’s been back home for a few weeks for a visit and another guy I don’t know, when we hang out seems like we have fun but he sorta never wants to hang out, so not sure if he thinks I live to far away or if he’s sorta meh on me or what the deal is. Erin’s not really the sit around and bullshit type, so she’d get bored and either want to leave or play a game on her phone, so that wouldn’t help anything. Haven’t been able to place where that feeling is coming from or why…