opposing thoughts

I’ve been wanting to type this up all day but have been putting it off.  I think I’ve just been distracting myself so I don’t have to think about it.  Now that I’ve started I’ve been doing a mixture of staring at the text box not knowing how to start and messing with what music I want to listen too…

I was ask by a friend last weekend, “What do you want?” referring to my future, or was it, “You have to figure out what you want.”  Either way same thing, the answer is “I don’t know.”  I’ve got a thing or two I’m trying to work towards (well, at this point it’s really trying to get myself to work towards) but is that really what I want?  I think so, but don’t really know.  I’ve never had an answer to that question.  Even as a kid I didn’t have an answer to “what do you want to do when you grow up?”  (all I ever had was a vague “I don’t know but i want to be surrounded by people whose company I enjoy.”)  Same goes for writing down your ‘goals for the year’ in middle school.  I guess I’ve always just been like, I’ll deal with whatever comes when it comes and see what happens.  That’s been a boon to me in many situations, and obviously over the last few years dealing with Hodgkin’s and the treatments but that’s utterly not helpful when trying to figure out your future.  I guess I always projected that some day I’d be married with kids working a corporate job and that I’d somehow ‘grow out of’ or whatever how I feel about all that right now… well, I’m still waiting… feels a bit like the underpants gnomes from South Park with there scheme to get rich, which is 1. Collect underpants, 2. ?, 3. Profit.  Like that’s still kinda where I expect to end up but I can’t see the connection to where I am now or how I feel about it.  I guess that’s the less pressing of the two things that are on my mind though.

The bigger problem is more immediate.  I’m not physically ready to go back to work yet but I also don’t feel like going back to work.  Well, I feel a bunch of conflicting things.  I feel like I should go back to work and I know logically I need to, to get money so my folks aren’t paying for me anymore, help out the store, etc but I don’t want to go back to work.  It’s not the job specifically, I like the job and the guys.  I’d be feeling it even more if it was a different job.  I’ve been through a bunch of shit and “way to not die, now get back to work” doesn’t really feel like a reward.  I’ve never worked so hard so that I can end up behind where I was 4 years ago.  I feel like I want to take a bunch of time and just have fun, hang out with friends, go visit some friends that live around the country but I can’t say I’d feel any different after a month or three of doing that.  I sit and think about it and come to the conclusion that I should just go back to work when I’m able because that makes the most sense but then my mind for a second has a temper tantrum basically and I flip back to not knowing what to do…  I kind of feel selfish and douchey for feeling this way too but I can’t shake it.  I’ve never felt this way.  I’ve always been a pretty hard worker and have always just plowed through what I needed to do but I guess I’m tired of doing what I need to do.  I think that over simplifies it but that’s part of it.

Having a slight amount of trouble click publish on this one.  I guess ’cause I kinda feel guilty for feeling this way.  my life’s not bad but I kinda feel like, I went through all this shit “and all I got was this shitty t-shirt” but it’s a life I was perfectly happy with before and I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t just wish it away. fuck it *click’s publish*

One Response to “opposing thoughts”

  1. Intuit says:

    Sorry about being late. Realize that this was like, three weeks ago.

    Your feelings on the matter are valid. But only because of what you’re going through.

    Basically that’s how a lot of folks feel when they NEED A VACATION.

    It’s pretty easy for me to spot folks who need one and you do need one.

    It’s a temporary feeling that may take some time to pass. But it eventually will resolve itself. It just takes a lot longer to come back if you’re able to vacate though. Like a villain in a bad movie, just keeps coming back at shorter and shorter intervals without a vacation though. Picking up a new hobby or distraction, project helps too.

    Have always felt the same way about the goals based thinking. It takes an *ambition* to do envision these sorts of things and that’s one thing I don’t necessarily have in abundance. As more and more opportunities become available to me, that’s changing more and more though. Some years ago, remember hearing a study about how men in particular are less likely to advance and excel when they don’t have a mate and that seems to be so very true. It just doesn’t seem to be enough, for us to just live for self. It’s like we designed to live for someone else.

    It seems a lot of that envisioning and ambition, are instead projected onto and for other people. If someone asked you the same question, but to apply that to someone else you care about, it would be pretty easy to answer, wouldn’t it… Hmmm…..

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