MrbLOB9000

I have trouble going to bed in general anyway, but when I’ve got something like this looming, it’s even harder to get to bed.  Think it’s subliminally like, if I don’t go to bed, that somehow means tomorrow won’t come.  Overall though, I’m not doing too bad mentally.  I’m a bit anxious and freaked out about how I’ll feel tomorrow.  It’s going to blow but how much is not known.  The first chemo I was having was ‘well tolerated’ and I ‘might have hair loss’, this one they didn’t say anything about ‘well tolerated’ and were like, ‘you will have hair loss but it’s reversible’ and I’m on drugs to protect my kidneys which is new as well.  So ya, I was on the weak sauce shit before and that a hoot */sarcasm*, plus that was only one day of it… This is three days of the shit that apparently doesn’t fuck around.

My spirits are decently high though.  I took a picture to send an old friend and an old family friend the other day, just me in the mirror after a hair cut.  I smiled and took the picture.  After looking at the picture I was actually slightly surprised that I genuinely looked happy in it.  I thought about that for a little while and decided… ok, first of all, to me, depression is an overarching thing in your life.  You can be happy or sad because of discrete circumstances but overall you’re depressed.  I don’t know what the opposite of depressed is, so to me it’s joy.  You have joy overall but can be sad or happy in the moment, like I said the opposite of depression.  Anyway, I thought about it and I think my underlying feeling is I’m joyful or whatever, if I’m feeling extra shitty that day (or part of a day really) and this or that, then in that moment I’m pissed, sad, grumpy, frustarted, etc but that’s a passing feeling of that moment, that is not a symptom of a deeper state/feeling.

I may be scared, but I’m hopeful and optimistic.  This is going to blow, but it’s fucking well worth the shot.

Well… I guess I should go try and sleep, have to get up at 7am tomorrow.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 3rd, 2010 at 11:35 pm and is filed under Hodgkin's lymphoma. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.