about where I’m at

was talking to Reflex and decided to post the reply here rather than on IM, since I typed a shitload:

(3:59:17 PM) David: I am more worried about your mental state
(3:59:58 PM) bLOB: how so?
(4:00:12 PM) bLOB: or anything specific or whatever
(4:00:35 PM) David: I don’t know what kind of support you have.  I don’t know what your thinking.  You are always “It is what it is” but somewhere you have to be freaking out

ok, as for the support I have, I’m real close with my mom and not as close but still pretty close with my dad, my folks are concerned and supportive and whatnot.  My dad’s been my right hand man doing vaguely half of the leg work for filling out papers and calling people and whatnot.  That’s been really helpful.  Other than family I do have some friends such as yourself but also others that show support and are willing to talk (real talk about anything, not just surface shit).

As for what I’m thinking, I don’t know.  It’s a relief to know what it is and that it’s treatable and not the worst option it could be.  Not knowing sucked.  Obviously, I’d rather it be something that I can take two pills for and be totally ok but that’s not how it ended up, no matter what I wish or hope or whatever.  I don’t think we caught this super early but I don’t think we caught it super late either.  A guy I used to play Warhammer 40k with once said to a buddy of his jokingly but with some truth that it was fun to play against me because I always get shitty rolls on the dice but I’m never pissed about it as if I expect it or something.  I think I do partially hope for the best and expect the worst but it’s also I don’t worry about shit I can’t control.  Like I’ve never been scared on an airplane.  There is 100% nothing I can do about anything besides sit in my seat and put on the seat belt and just see what happens.  This is a similar situation, no amount of wishing or crying will magically make me not have Hodgkin’s.  It’s out of my hands, their for I just have to see what happens and try and fight it as best I can.

I know some might be sad in my position having never been married or had kids or done this or that.  It’s actually slightly a relief that I don’t have anyone depending on me for income or being the head of the household, etc.  To me it’d be harder if I had kids that I was leaving behind with a wife or girlfriend that now has to try and fend for the family herself and deal with the loss of me at the same time and whatnot.  May seem backwards but it’s how I feel.  The thing that makes me the most sad isn’t that I might die, it’s knowing that if I die I’m leaving people behind that now get to live with being sad I’m gone.

I don’t know, I am a little freaked out and scared.  How can someone not be?  But I’m not consumed by it by any stretch.  I did noticed that when watching random stuff on TV, if something sad or whatever happens in the show that normally I would have felt nothing because of, I get sad for a moment, sometimes a little choked up.  Don’t know what that means exactly, but I definitely am affected by the situation.

I might wake up in a week and feel differently, their’s always the chance I’m in denial or whatever, but I don’t really think that’s the case, at least not totally or not to a huge extent… I don’t know…

Since I’m talking about everything else, may as well talk about how I am physically.  It’s been a slow build of feeling shitty to this point where I basically feel shitty and/or pretty tired for at least part of each day.  Not all days do I feel totally shitty, some days I only feel a little bad and it’s not a huge deal but I never feel great.  Some of my bigger lumps slightly hurt all the time and if I bump or touch them they hurt more/a decent amount, one’s on my chest right above where my ribs stop and between my clavicles, that’s the most tender, so if I look down or hit it by accident it hurts.  The other one that hurts less but sucks more over all is the swollen glands on my right side that I call my goiter.  It takes up most of my neck on the right side, from my jaw almost to where my neck starts to turn to become the back of my neck.  It bumps out farther than my jaw, like a finger width at this point.  When I push on it, it’s not happy about it.  The other side is trying to catch up but is still WAY smaller.

At night I take like 3 ibuprofen before going to bed.  I wake up again 4-5.5 hours later.  I couldn’t figure out what the deal is, I don’t usually have trouble staying asleep and I’d wake up go take a piss and lay in bed for like an hour or hour and a half and not be able to sleep.  I realized that ibuprofen says it lasts for 4 hours on the bottle and so the next night when I woke up I went and took 3 more and changed my shirt and went back to bed and went back to sleep pretty quickly.  So it was the discomfort of my lumps and goiter.  Oh, and that’s another thing, the reason I changed my shirt when I woke up is because the neck was wet from sweat.  Not a little bit damp or moist, actually wet.  One (or both) of the oncologists ask about night sweats and I brought that up and they didn’t seem surprised or anything.  It’s been better the last week or so, I don’t remember if I woke up and it was wet after the first time I woke up or if it was the times I work up after that.  If I don’t take more ibuprofen I’d have trouble falling asleep again and then I’d wake up again after that, so the neck of my shirt being wet may have been more during the subsequent wake ups and not the first wakeup.  So taking more ibuprofen may be helping that not happen but like I said, I can’t remember exactly when it happened.  I’m still not sleeping awesome but way better than I was before I realized to take more ibuprofen after I wake up.

We’ll know more about what stage I’m at or whatever on Friday probably but I’d guess I do have some swollen lymph nodes or whatever in my chest because after the biopsy the doctor said to my folks that my breathing wasn’t great and they had to put me on oxygen, I remember waking up in the recovery room with oxygen up my nose (and being pissed about it, I didn’t like how it felt having that blow oxygen up my nose and I wake up grumpy basically 100% of the time, so this was no different apparently).  It didn’t click at the time until later when they said the doctor said that, but it felt like when I took a deep breath it wasn’t as deep as it should be, especially while I was in the recovery room but I had noticed but not realized that before then.  So I’d guess their’s some in my chest constricting things, especially with the lump above my chest/below my neck.  I do have some in my arm pits that are big but I don’t have any lower though, in my stomach area or groin that I can feel at least.

8 Responses to “about where I’m at”

  1. Reflex says:

    This reminds me of the first time I was put on a breathing machine for my asthma. I hadn’t realized just how bad my breathing had become until I was on something that made me able to breathe normally. It was a revelation, but it was also difficult because I only could use it for an hour and then had to go back to the normal sludge that air normally feels like.

  2. bLOB says:

    Did that clear anything up for you/feeling any better about it or not really?

  3. Intuit says:

    I can relate on that from the standpoint of not having glasses until the 7th grade. The biggest benefit to getting them I noticed, was being able to read people’s facial expressions. Can you imagine how confusing people would be without that *very* important body language ? Probably not. Just goes to show we often don’t miss what we’ve never had.


    By the way I’m always curious as to cause of these cancers. Sure there is a genetic component, but there are also environmental factors that either/both accelerate or trigger the mutation.

    Any possible theories as to what may have caused or contributed to this ? What daily household chemicals (brands) do you use ? Do you wear gloves when using them ? What factories are in your area ? How would you rate the quality of your water supply ? Hi Chlorine content ? (taste) What are you exposed to at work ? Lot of heatsink paste ? Lot of soldering ? Did they finally get rid of those old Cathode X-Ray Tubes and replace with Liquid Crystal Displays ? Snacks ? Toothpaste ? Mouthwash ? …. ………. …………….. ……………. ………… …… ……

  4. Intuit says:

    Ordinarily when start to feel like crap, I excercise. It’s the long term cure all for otherwise healthy people. But cancer is different… and theoretically exertion might help it spread. Grrr. I don’t know. How did Armstrong (the cyclist who is making *another* come back by the way http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jpTGGppnvD8_a6McRVfBDsSGBUkAD95RGPT00) get through his ? Maybe my theory is incorrect… hope it is… might want to check up on that.

  5. bLOB says:

    I ask if their was anything that ’caused it and they said I couldn’t have done anything differently to not get it. Water supply is fine. Don’t see chemicals or anything on a regular basis, someone only occasionally solders something. We do have CRT monitors at work, but if that was it, wouldn’t kidn of everyone that worked in an office, especially in the 90’s have cancer?

  6. Intuit says:

    Some people are more susceptible than others so not necessarily. I just think that with enough cataloging into what people use on a daily basis that maybe, just maybe we might begin to establish some links for avenues of investigation. (and before someone jumps to conclusions about what I’m saying, note the word, “investigation”) In the last decade alone we’re now exposed to countless more chemicals and substances than ever before in our lives… and cancer rates are increasing among younger-aged people.

    By the way, is there any family history of cancer ?

  7. bLOB says:

    no history of lymphoma. My dad’s dad died of stomach cancer, my grandmother on my dad’s side survived uteran cancer for like 25 or 30 years, my grandmother on my mom’s side survived breast cancer for 25 or 30 years. My mom’s dad died when she was like 14 or 15, not sure exactly why, but think it was some heart stuff.

  8. Reflex says:

    I would also point out that anytime you are outside you’re being hit by radiation and getting genetic damage. Its a fairly random process, the wrong piece of DNA goes haywire and you can have cancer. The atmosphere reduces but does not negate this impact, and of course local variables can have an impact as well. Ultimatly though, the ‘rise of cancer’ is as much a part of increased diagnosis as it is anything else, in general our environment, including the toxins and radiations that can cause cancers, is far cleaner than it was a century ago.

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