{"id":534,"date":"2014-04-02T02:08:29","date_gmt":"2014-04-02T09:08:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/?p=534"},"modified":"2014-04-06T02:00:59","modified_gmt":"2014-04-06T09:00:59","slug":"have-you-ever-suffered-if-so-did-you-get-better-or-have-you-never-quite-recovered","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/?p=534","title":{"rendered":"have you ever suffered? if so, did you get better or have you, never quite recovered?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I went to a concert earlier tonight. Mansions opened up, then Pianos Become The Teeth, then La Dispute.\u00a0 I got into La Dispute recently somewhat recently, there’s a post recently with a bunch of links to there music and talking about them, but I heard a song today in a new way.\u00a0 The song is all our bruised bodies and the whole heart shrinks.\u00a0 The song starts with:so now, tell me how your story goes
\nhave you ever suffered?<\/strong>
\n if so, did you get better<\/strong>
\n or have you, never quite recovered?<\/strong>
\ndid you find your love laying in you bedroom with another
\nand then, did you let it hover over you and everything else well after the fact?<\/p>\n

I somehow heard it in a different way tonight.\u00a0 That just hit me like, I want to be better having known Adam, not broken by his death.\u00a0 I want to be better having known Adam, not scarred or tainted or broken by his death.\u00a0 I deserve better than that, Erin deserves me to be better than that and Adam would want that.\u00a0 I can’t let this define me, change me for the worse.\u00a0 The bolded above is what first struck the chord in me, but I found it ironic but fitting that the next lyric was about a cheating lover, the other thing I’m fucked up about\/by, with the hella fucked up situation with Adam and his Ex-wife…\u00a0 (I typed the rest of the lyrics to the song out below, finding lyrics online are often wrong or formatted wrong and linked to a youtube video of the song if you wanna listen to it)<\/p>\n

Erin and I are in couples therapy, basically super early and preventative.\u00a0 Erin and I moved in together basically a year ago.\u00a0 We were working on moving in, working on figure out how to live together and whatnot.\u00a0 When Adam died, that mostly stopped.\u00a0 I was (and to a large degree still am) at capacity with just every day life, just living and am not able to do the other things that should get done like unpacking, figuring out where stuff goes and finishing rooms, keeping the house kinda tidy.\u00a0 For Erin this is a big deal, she lived in a cluttered house as a child and has trouble focusing and is never fully at ease in a cluttered environment.\u00a0 She also doesn’t feel fully at home in the house because she’s not unpacked and can’t find stuff she wants to use.\u00a0 Basically, I’m having to resist resenting her for not being able to give me time and she’s having to resist resenting me for not getting the stuff done.\u00a0 So we’re going to couples therapy to try and work on how we deal with each other and those times when we are in conflict.\u00a0 Had second session today.\u00a0 The first session I talked about Adam and the situation there, how he died, who he was to me, etc and it sort of made it more fresh than it had been in a while.\u00a0 I was decidedly not as far along with it than I thought.\u00a0 I was not as healed as I thought or had hoped.\u00a0 Honestly, this kinda scared me.\u00a0 I’m going to try and find a therapist I like to do therapy for me and see how\/where that goes…\u00a0 If I can get help with this, great.\u00a0 If it doesn’t work out, so be it but there won’t be a “what if” type feeling in the future.\u00a0 Also, sorta feels like like a decent part of my side of the problems with “us”\u00a0 are relate to or are made worse because of Adam’s death\/being dead.\u00a0 So feels like if I’m doing one, have to try and work on the other too to a certain degree.<\/p>\n

It’s 2am and I need to work in the morning, so I should get to bed, will need to make another post with general updates later.<\/p>\n