I’ve been wanting to type this up all day but have been putting it off. \u00a0I think I’ve just been distracting myself so I don’t have to think about it. \u00a0Now that I’ve started I’ve been doing a mixture of staring at the text box not knowing how to start and messing with what music I want to listen too…<\/p>\n
I was ask by a friend last weekend, “What do you want?” referring to my future, or was it, “You have to figure out what you want.” \u00a0Either way same thing, the answer is “I don’t know.” \u00a0I’ve got a thing or two I’m trying to work towards (well, at this point it’s really trying to get myself to work towards) but is that really what I want? \u00a0I think so, but don’t really know. \u00a0I’ve never had an answer to that question. \u00a0Even as a kid I didn’t have an answer to “what do you want to do when you grow up?” \u00a0(all I ever had was a vague “I don’t know but i want to be surrounded by people whose company I enjoy.”) \u00a0Same goes for writing down your ‘goals for the year’ in middle school. \u00a0I guess I’ve always just been like, I’ll deal with whatever comes when it comes and see what happens. \u00a0That’s been a boon to me in many situations, and obviously over the last few years dealing with Hodgkin’s and the treatments but that’s utterly not helpful when trying to figure out your future. \u00a0I guess I always projected that some day I’d be married with kids working a corporate job and that I’d somehow ‘grow out of’ or whatever how I feel about all that right now… well, I’m still waiting… feels a bit like the underpants gnomes from South Park<\/a> with there scheme to get rich, which is 1. Collect underpants, 2. ?, 3. Profit. \u00a0Like that’s still kinda where I expect to end up but I can’t see the connection to where I am now or how I feel about it. \u00a0I guess that’s the less pressing of the two things that are on my mind though.<\/p>\n The bigger problem is more immediate. \u00a0I’m not physically ready to go back to work yet but I also don’t feel like going back to work. \u00a0Well, I feel a bunch of conflicting things. \u00a0I feel like I should go back to work and I know logically I need to, to get money so my folks aren’t paying for me anymore, help out the store, etc but I don’t want to go back to work. \u00a0It’s not the job specifically, I like the job and the guys. \u00a0I’d be feeling it even more if it was a different job. \u00a0I’ve been through a bunch of shit and “way to not die, now get back to work” doesn’t really feel like a reward. \u00a0I’ve never worked so hard so that I can end up behind where I was 4 years ago. \u00a0I feel like I want to take a bunch of time and just have fun, hang out with friends, go visit some friends that live around the country but I can’t say I’d feel any different after a month or three of doing that. \u00a0I sit and think about it and come to the conclusion that I should just go back to work when I’m able because that makes the most sense but then my mind for a second has a temper tantrum basically and I flip back to not knowing what to do… \u00a0I kind of feel selfish and douchey for feeling this way too but I can’t shake it. \u00a0I’ve never felt this way. \u00a0I’ve always been a pretty hard worker and have always just plowed through what I needed to do but I guess I’m tired of doing what I need to do. \u00a0I think that over simplifies it but that’s part of it.<\/p>\n Having a slight amount of trouble click publish on this one. \u00a0I guess ’cause I kinda feel guilty for feeling this way. \u00a0my life’s not bad but I kinda feel like, I went through all this shit “and all I got was this shitty t-shirt”\u00a0but it’s a life I was perfectly happy with before and I feel like I shouldn’t feel that way but I can’t just wish it away. fuck it *click’s publish*<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’ve been wanting to type this up all day but have been putting it off. \u00a0I think I’ve just been distracting myself so I don’t have to think about it. \u00a0Now that I’ve started I’ve been doing a mixture of staring at the text box not knowing how to start and messing with what music […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","spay_email":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-340","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hodgkins-lymphoma"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pqH02-5u","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=340"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":345,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/340\/revisions\/345"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=340"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=340"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=340"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}