was talking to Reflex and decided to post the reply here rather than on IM, since I typed a shitload:<\/p>\n
(3:59:17 PM) David: I am more worried about your mental state
\n(3:59:58 PM) bLOB: how so?
\n(4:00:12 PM) bLOB: or anything specific or whatever
\n(4:00:35 PM) David: I don’t know what kind of support you have.\u00a0 I don’t know what your thinking.\u00a0 You are always “It is what it is” but somewhere you have to be freaking out<\/p>\n
ok, as for the support I have, I’m real close with my mom and not as close but still pretty close with my dad, my folks are concerned and supportive and whatnot.\u00a0 My dad’s been my right hand man doing vaguely half of the leg work for filling out papers and calling people and whatnot.\u00a0 That’s been really helpful.\u00a0 Other than family I do have some friends such as yourself but also others that show support and are willing to talk (real talk about anything, not just surface shit).<\/p>\n
As for what I’m thinking, I don’t know.\u00a0 It’s a relief to know what it is and that it’s treatable and not the worst option it could be.\u00a0 Not knowing sucked.\u00a0 Obviously, I’d rather it be something that I can take two pills for and be totally ok but that’s not how it ended up, no matter what I wish or hope or whatever.\u00a0 I don’t think we caught this super early but I don’t think we caught it super late either.\u00a0 A guy I used to play Warhammer 40k with once said to a buddy of his jokingly but with some truth that it was fun to play against me because I always get shitty rolls on the dice but I’m never pissed about it as if I expect it or something.\u00a0 I think I do partially hope for the best and expect the worst but it’s also I don’t worry about shit I can’t control.\u00a0 Like I’ve never been scared on an airplane.\u00a0 There is 100% nothing I can do about anything besides sit in my seat and put on the seat belt and just see what happens.\u00a0 This is a similar situation, no amount of wishing or crying will magically make me not have Hodgkin’s.\u00a0 It’s out of my hands, their for I just have to see what happens and try and fight it as best I can.<\/p>\n
I know some might be sad in my position having never been married or had kids or done this or that.\u00a0 It’s actually slightly a relief that I don’t have anyone depending on me for income or being the head of the household, etc.\u00a0 To me it’d be harder if I had kids that I was leaving behind with a wife or girlfriend that now has to try and fend for the family herself and deal with the loss of me at the same time and whatnot.\u00a0 May seem backwards but it’s how I feel.\u00a0 The thing that makes me the most sad isn’t that I might die, it’s knowing that if I die I’m leaving people behind that now get to live with being sad I’m gone.<\/p>\n
I don’t know, I am a little freaked out and scared.\u00a0 How can someone not be?\u00a0 But I’m not consumed by it by any stretch.\u00a0 I did noticed that when watching random stuff on TV, if something sad or whatever happens in the show that normally I would have felt nothing because of, I get sad for a moment, sometimes a little choked up.\u00a0 Don’t know what that means exactly, but I definitely am affected by the situation.<\/p>\n
I might wake up in a week and feel differently, their’s always the chance I’m in denial or whatever, but I don’t really think that’s the case, at least not totally or not to a huge extent… I don’t know…<\/p>\n
Since I’m talking about everything else, may as well talk about how I am physically.\u00a0 It’s been a slow build of feeling shitty to this point where I basically feel shitty and\/or pretty tired for at least part of each day.\u00a0 Not all days do I feel totally shitty, some days I only feel a little bad and it’s not a huge deal but I never feel great.\u00a0 Some of my bigger lumps slightly hurt all the time and if I bump or touch them they hurt more\/a decent amount, one’s on my chest right above where my ribs stop and between my clavicles, that’s the most tender, so if I look down or hit it by accident it hurts.\u00a0 The other one that hurts less but sucks more over all is the swollen glands on my right side that I call my goiter.\u00a0 It takes up most of my neck on the right side, from my jaw almost to where my neck starts to turn to become the back of my neck.\u00a0 It bumps out farther than my jaw, like a finger width at this point.\u00a0 When I push on it, it’s not happy about it.\u00a0 The other side is trying to catch up but is still WAY smaller.<\/p>\n
At night I take like 3 ibuprofen before going to bed.\u00a0 I wake up again 4-5.5 hours later.\u00a0 I couldn’t figure out what the deal is, I don’t usually have trouble staying asleep and I’d wake up go take a piss and lay in bed for like an hour or hour and a half and not be able to sleep.\u00a0 I realized that ibuprofen says it lasts for 4 hours on the bottle and so the next night when I woke up I went and took 3 more and changed my shirt and went back to bed and went back to sleep pretty quickly.\u00a0 So it was the discomfort of my lumps and goiter.\u00a0 Oh, and that’s another thing, the reason I changed my shirt when I woke up is because the neck was wet from sweat.\u00a0 Not a little bit damp or moist, actually wet.\u00a0 One (or both) of the oncologists ask about night sweats and I brought that up and they didn’t seem surprised or anything.\u00a0 It’s been better the last week or so, I don’t remember if I woke up and it was wet after the first time I woke up or if it was the times I work up after that.\u00a0 If I don’t take more ibuprofen I’d have trouble falling asleep again and then I’d wake up again after that, so the neck of my shirt being wet may have been more during the subsequent wake ups and not the first wakeup.\u00a0 So taking more ibuprofen may be helping that not happen but like I said, I can’t remember exactly when it happened.\u00a0 I’m still not sleeping awesome but way better than I was before I realized to take more ibuprofen after I wake up.<\/p>\n
We’ll know more about what stage I’m at or whatever on Friday probably but I’d guess I do have some swollen lymph nodes or whatever in my chest because after the biopsy the doctor said to my folks that my breathing wasn’t great and they had to put me on oxygen, I remember waking up in the recovery room with oxygen up my nose (and being pissed about it, I didn’t like how it felt having that blow oxygen up my nose and I wake up grumpy basically 100% of the time, so this was no different apparently).\u00a0 It didn’t click at the time until later when they said the doctor said that, but it felt like when I took a deep breath it wasn’t as deep as it should be, especially while I was in the recovery room but I had noticed but not realized that before then.\u00a0 So I’d guess their’s some in my chest constricting things, especially with the lump above my chest\/below my neck.\u00a0 I do have some in my arm pits that are big but I don’t have any lower though, in my stomach area or groin that I can feel at least.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
was talking to Reflex and decided to post the reply here rather than on IM, since I typed a shitload: (3:59:17 PM) David: I am more worried about your mental state (3:59:58 PM) bLOB: how so? (4:00:12 PM) bLOB: or anything specific or whatever (4:00:35 PM) David: I don’t know what kind of support you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","spay_email":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-hodgkins-lymphoma"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pqH02-i","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18\/revisions\/22"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/blog.mrblob9000.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}